This week I was lucky enough to write another post for the #WholeMama movement. The theme word was “Embrace” and I spent several days contemplating what I wanted to write about. As I turned the word over and over in my mind, I just kept coming back to the image of my oldest son running to me every day after school, wrapping his arms around me, breathing out a sigh of relief. It’s more than just a hug with this boy, it’s a hard-fought moment of peace.
“I have spent much of my life with my fingers tightly wound around my determined expectations. This is what happens when you have a stubborn streak and a complicated childhood that is thankfully, filled with books. My reality never seemed to match the written words I so readily inhaled. As I buried myself in the stories of other families, both true and fantasy, I noted how different life could look, how simple and predictable and happy. I held on tight to these lessons and believed that someday with enough commitment, I could make them all come true.
I became a mother at twenty-three, and like so many women before and after me, I was totally unprepared. It wasn’t just the logistics and the lack of sleep and the colic that shocked me. It was the total and complete undoing of my heart and soul that shook me deep and wide. Not only did this sweet little baby boy ignore all of my expectations and ideals, he seemed to challenge anything that was “how babies are supposed to act”. It was an unexpected wrench in my plans to be the perfect mother to a perfect baby, creating a perfect home with my perfect husband.”
Please join me over at my friend, Erika’s blog. (And wish her congrats, she has a beautiful new baby daughter!)